I’m not feeling my best today, and I haven’t for a couple of days now. My depression creeps up on me slowly and loves to give me a huge kick in the butt around day three of it coming back. I have my herbal tea and Natural Calm mixed with some rose bud, lemon leaf and lavender stems and I’m ready to type out my story. Here’s a quick picture of my two favorite things to mix when I need to relax. I only add a pinch of the Natural Calm when I just want to be soothed because it has a very strong melatonin content. But believe me when I say that it will do whatever job you want it to do, ranging from a little ease of mind, a nap, or a sleep for 10 hours kind of thing. That’s why it is my favorite. I’ll be doing an individual post on it in the future.
Like a lot of kids that suffered from depression early on in life, I had a lot of reasons that could possibly be linked to why it all started. I came from a broken family, had a dying relationship with my biological father and I felt very misunderstood in many different aspects of myself. I had my very first real boyfriend when I was 13. Yes, 13. It was an absolute disaster that lasted for about 4 months tops, but you already guessed that. The reason why I brought it up was because that’s the age that I started realizing what goes on in the world, how people really are, etc. I had a huge wake up call at the end of that year. The boy I was with was very controlling, very mentally abusive and very selfish. He wouldn’t let me talk to my friends, my family (yep, didn’t want me talking to my family…that I lived with…) and he didn’t want me to do typical teenage girl things. I remember him asking me all the time “You haven’t talked to anyone today, have you?” And I also remember saying no, that I hadn’t. When my mom found out what this boy was doing to me, she cut it off very quickly. Me being a child and losing (what I thought was) my first love, I became depressed and suicidal at a young age. Looking back at it, I see how young and vulnerable I truly was to this boy who was about four years older than me…yikes…and I definitely associate that situation with my first stroke of depression, my first heart ache and my first true sorrow.
Fast forward about a year. I’m in my sophomore year of highschool, angst flowing off of me like water in a fountain. That year, I met a guy that had a huge impact on me for several years. To cut that horrendous story short, I was in love with him for about two years before he ever got serious with me, which as you can guess from a what used to be very vulnerable person, was devastating. During that time, I also decided to cut ties with my father’s entire side of the family after years of emotional abuse. Depression was low and high and then low again.
Fast forward another few years and the guy I was in love with actually did end up loving me back for a couple years, but I decided to end it when I went on my spiritual journey with myself.
This is when it got very, very sticky. I’m going to keep this EXTRA short. After about a month of ending it with previous guy mentioned, someone entered my life that changed it drastically. For about seven months, I was physically and emotionally stuck with this very abusive and manipulative person. I developed anxiety and worsening panic attacks, and was so depressed that I couldn’t leave my apartment. After some physical abuse, I called the cops and never spoke to that person again.
And let me tell you, it is going to take a lifetime it seems to completely heal from that.
Okay, now let’s fast forward to where I am now. Married to the love of my life and my absolute soulmate, baby boy on the way, and living what a lot would consider the dream.
My husband is in Afghanistan on a 13 month deployment (he gets to come home in May for the baby), but has to leave again after for six more months. I’ve done everything with the pregnancy so far on my own and I really think I’m kicking it’s ass. But I do, as you read, still have very bad days like today.
Something that I wish I knew about years ago was the power of doing. Literally doing. Getting out and doing things that I love. It’s one of the best medicines for me. And on the days where I feel like I cannot do anything at all, doing small things. Like trimming my lemon tree or taking a hot bath. I wish I knew that during all of those times where I felt like I was not going to make it, I still had me. I still had so much strength. And I think if I had grasped that, I would have been able to have a better hold on my mental stability.
But what I do know now is that I have been through a lot. If I went through all of the stuff I have been on top of crippling anxiety and often times sever depression, I know that anything else is a piece of cake. I know my strength and I use it.
Annnnnnd the sleepiness has begun. Hope you enjoyed and hope you have a strong, happy day.
with love, Macie